As many of you may know, February is fast approaching, which means so is the most dreaded holiday of all for single people: Groundhog Day!

I’m just kidding. They wouldn’t let me write the story about Groundhog Day.

So instead, I’ll be guiding you to help Feb. 14 go from the worst day of the month to the best. If you take my advice, you’ll certainly have a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day. 

As someone who has been friendzoned many times (okay, every time), I am completely qualified to dole out advice. No, I have never been in a relationship, but hey. Coaches don’t play. 

They just tell you what you’re doing wrong. 

First things first, you’ve got to select the right man to go after. If I were in your position, I would go straight to the 13-year olds on TikTok that pair up initials and tell you who your soulmate should be, or who’s going to break your heart, or who you’ll be together with for six years, have two kids, move to Tennessee with and then get a divorce. 

For example, someone said L would be best matched with W, E, or F. 

Not that that’s, uh, important, or anything. (Call me.) 

I’d say the number one thing to base your relationship off of is zodiac signs. If you are a Cancer, you should probably get that checked out. Otherwise, you should be good.

If you want to know if a guy is interested in you and sneaking glances at you in class, yawn. Yawning is contagious (although you wouldn’t know from my friend Gracie’s 8th grade science fair project, where she entirely made all of the data up). If he, too, yawns, then he must’ve been staring at you. 

Or he’s just tired from staying up late texting other girls. 

Now, in order to get the guy you like, you might need to be aggressive. Love is a cutthroat business and there’s no time for making friends. You need to assert dominance. Your man is your territory. You don’t want other girls fawning all over him. Therefore, you should walk up to him, look him in the eyes, and pee on his shoes. This is a tactic used by many animals when mating, so it’s only natural for it to work for us too.

The good news is that even if this does not assert dominance, other girls still will not be all over him, because he smells like urine. 

The bad news is, he smells like urine. 

Another tip would be to be so painfully obvious about your feelings that every other student (and teacher, for that matter) in the grade is aware that you like this boy. So much so that seemingly every time you are together, someone makes a comment about how you two should date. Like “Wow, you guys would be so cute together!” or “Are you guys a couple?” This situation of everyone in the class of 2022 trying to convince the guy to date me appeared to be the case my freshman year (sorry, Greg).

It did not work.

The thing about the male species is that they tend to like subtlety. You have first period on A days with this guy? Walk in, catch his eye, and go to your seat making unbroken, unblinking eye contact with him. If he looks away, do not . 

Men, as a whole, generally appreciate pickup lines. Especially when they are math related. My number one suggestion would be to give him a sly smile and ask, “Are you a 90 degree angle? Because you are looking right.” Or something of the sort. Then you wink. You have to wink. Gets ‘em every time. 

I have a friend who invented the “Pickup Line of The Day.” His longest relationship lasted a solid five days.

The most basic thing is just to have good conversation starters. One time my friend Madison liked a guy, and the first time she ever spoke to him was asking him if he liked bagels.

That is the only conversation they ever had.

If a guy refuses to date you (not that I would know what that is like, or anything) you can always use logic, reason or threats. The third one usually seems to be the most effective. 

I will leave that up to your interpretation. 

In addition, if a boy does not want to date you, go after his brother, or cousin, or brother’s cousin, and marry into the family that way. Sure, said boy might end up as your second cousin-in-law, but either way, you will end up at family Thanksgiving. 

But lastly, the thing that I need you to remember is that being single is okay. It is just fine to take time for yourself and appreciate you. You are a strong, independent girl boss and the right person will come around for you eventually, I guarantee it. And if not?

I know a couple places you can adopt cats.