It’s prom season. Do you know what that means? It’s time to get your game on and get prepared for the best night of your life! Luckily for you, The Eagle is here to help.
The first thing you want to do for prom season is to find someone that you are personally attracted to.
You may be asking yourself, “what if they are going with someone else already?” Don’t you worry, they won’t be after you pull off an awesome promposal (or after you get rid of the competition… Take that as you will). In case you are unfamiliar with the concept, a promposal is where you publicly embarrass someone into going to prom with you.
This strategy is most effective if a bunch of people are watching. If enough eyes are peering on them, they will be required to say yes to you. So find out which class the person you’re asking takes has the most people in it, hijack it and watch the peering eyes and the ensuing guilt-trip work its magic.
Phase two: the time to pick out an outfit. It’s normal to feel like you have to match to the person you are going with. However, if your date is trying to cramp your style, dump them. If you want to wear a neon orange suit that makes you look like a traffic cone, why should they stop you? You’re a fashion icon.
Hair is important, and there are a variety of styles you can work with. Ladies, if your hair is giving you trouble, just go bald. If it works for Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables, it should work for you too. Gentlemen, the only acceptable hair options are mullets and mohawks. Anything else is a disgrace.
This year, there are many unknowns with prom, like if there will be food or not. If there is no food, you may have to go out beforehand so your date is not hangry the entire night. But where should you go?
Here’s the thing, fancy restaurants are great and all, but do you really want to spend $70 for a meal for two? That’s a rip off! Instead of going to Olive Garden or Lucia’s, why not go to Fazoli’s?
Sure, Fazoli’s alfredo tastes like 12 year old ranch left in a toilet, but they have unlimited breadsticks that are the starch equivalent of a grease rag. Combine that with the fact they are unlimited, meaning you and your date can have a romantic breadstick eating contest, and you have a perfect meal for less than $15.
Another aspect of prom is the pictures. Make sure you do not smile during any of them and if you have a cool pair of sunglasses, wear them. You will be reminded of these photos on Facebook in 15 years. Do you want to look like a loser?
When you go to prom, transportation is everything. Some people would choose to rent a limo. Others would drive there personally. However, some people are terrible drivers and prove it daily in the parking lot.
If you are one of those people, public transportation is the perfect way to go. There is nothing better than taking a bus to get to where you want to go in an hour with a girl in high heels who, if there is only one seat on the bus, you will definitely take from them and make them stand.
After all of that commotion, you have arrived at Prom. Normally, COVID-19 issues are something Governor Mike DeWine would give some advice on. However, Mikey D has not given too many specific details on how to pull this off. His advice: further guidance will be given.
This has caused as much confusion for teenagers and school officials as cold weather has caused Texas.
Will prom be safe? Can we dance outside, do we just eat dinner, should we buy a dress or just show up in jeans? Mikey D what are we supposed to do?
After a year of clear guidance and masks to social distancing, he leaves poor girls to wonder if their $1000 dresses were bought in vain (again).
As a result of this issue, I am forced to speculate on the next few details. Please understand that these could be different, but I have a solid feeling that this is how prom will go for some people.
When you arrive, your ears start to bleed with the horrid sounds of modern music. For the first time since homecoming, you hear songs like Perfect by Ed Shareen, and wonder why it was ever popular (Seriously, people act like this is the only slow song that has ever existed. Have the DJ’s at prom ever heard Hurt by Johnny Cash? That’s a slow song that would totally work in a prom setting).
In the midst of the chaos, your date sees some of their friends, and decides to ditch you. Turns out they were just a gold digger (by Kanye West ft. Jamie Foxx) using you for a free meal and ride.
How did you not see it? It might be because in the wake of getting a date, you have turned to the way of the simp.
What is a simp? The most reliable source on the internet, Urban Dictionary, defines “simp” as “someone who does way too much for a person they like.”
The simp ignores all red flags, no matter how obvious, in favor of giving kind treatment to their date. In this article, there are plenty of kind acts suggested to you to do with your prom date.
Between embarrassing your date into going with you, dining cheaply and taking the city bus, all it takes is a frame of mind before you turn to the simp side.
However, you provided a date second to none. On that front, you should be proud. Despite this, you are still a simp, and you leave that night in more disgrace than Richard Nixon when he resigned. You will forever be made fun of for simping so hard only for your date to ditch you.
This is your prom playbook. Take these lessons that someone who has never been to prom has given you and use them well.
