To all the teens going to homecoming, 

If you’re like me, you probably don’t have a homecoming date. I’m not nearly as upset about it as I thought I’d be. When I was younger I got so excited picturing me and a boy going to homecoming together. There is just one thing I failed to consider, boys are completely and utterly clueless.

Now boys, don’t get too upset about this article. I’m not trying to belittle your intelligence, I’m here to help you. Tough love baby.

Rule #1- Know the girl you’re asking. This may seem like a given but I’ve watched too many “public proposal gone wrong” videos on Youtube to know that’s just not enjoyable for every girl. 

And as a plus, if she says no, you won’t have an audience watching as you stand awkwardly holding your sign while people slowly lower their phones, ending the videos you told them to record.

Rule #2- Sometimes it’s okay to ask your mom for help. Maybe even your grandma. If you’re asking a girl with a sign it BETTER look nice. Your way-too-tiny,  illegible handwriting will definitely not be adequate. That’s perfectly fine, just please don’t be afraid to ask the women in your life for help.

Another thing boys, please have some sort of outline. Sometimes it’s nice to be original, but that creativity thing doesn’t always work for you. Always have an idea from Pinterest on standby.

It truly hurts me to see the freshmen boys struggling. This year there have been a couple painfully misguided men. One of the most important things to learn from this article is the concept of the homecoming puns… 

I’ll walk you through this now so you’ll be better prepared for next year. You’re supposed to make a pun catering to the girl’s interests, not your own. This may be a challenge but I believe in you.

Rule #3- Be prepared. After reading all of this you’re probably thinking “wow I’m such an idiot! What girl would say yes to my proposal?” and the answer to that is girls who feel bad enough to smile and give you a “sure”. 

Now you have a date! Who would’ve thought?! It’s truly a miracle you’ve come so far- er I mean I knew you could do it.

Once the hard part is over, all you have to do is get a suit with a tie that matches her dress, make reservations at a nice restaurant, please for the love of god get a haircut, get a corsage and boutonniere (It’s okay, you can click off of this article to look that up), and meet her parents.

Boys, I hope this advice finds you well. And I hope I’ve done all the girls out there a service by giving their men some much needed guidance. Good luck to you all next September, I’ll see you kids at homecoming.

Much love, 

Sydney Allison-Smith

BTW girls, to avoid all stupidity, you can always just go to homecoming with a girl.