A Valentine’s pick me up

Ah, February. Love is in the air. 

Also COVID. COVID is also in the air.

As someone who has lived 18 years of my life single, I cannot tell you how to get into a relationship in time for Valentine’s Day. However, I am nothing short of an expert on what not to do, and that’s pickup lines.

Pickup lines are a one-way ticket to loneliness and one and done Tinder dates who leave you stranded, taking your dignity (and your wallet) with them. That’s what I’m here for. To show you that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you will not find success in pickup lines.

A classic is “Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you.” 

This will not work. In fact, the mere mention of a parking ticket will remind the girl of the time she received one. This was the time she parked illegally outside a funeral home when she was late for her grandpa’s calling hours. That grandpa was the last grandparent she had left, and they spent all their time together. When she left calling hours, she saw the parking ticket on her dash and had to pay the fine. Making her think of her grandpa leads her to burst into tears and run away from you, forever in her mind associating you with that tragedy. 

Another option is to go with a classic “It’d be SWEET if you’d be my Valentine” and pair it with a candy bar. 

Again, this will not land you a hot date, but instead something entirely different. The candy bar you gave her was processed in a factory with peanuts. Since you spend all your time coming up with pickup lines rather than actually paying attention to girls when they talk, you failed to recall the information that she is deathly allergic to peanuts. She takes a bite of the candy bar and immediately starts choking. She falls to the floor, sputtering and grabbing her throat. Someone nearby calls 9-1-1, and instead of your night ending in a romantic night, you watch her whisked away in the back of an ambulance, never to be seen again. 

You could also try the “My parents always told me to follow my dreams…so can I have your Instagram?”

Yeah. Bad move. The girl you’re asking has super overprotective parents that won’t let her have social media. Due to this, she often feels excluded from her friends and entirely out of the loop. Reminding her of this causes her to remember how many things she’s been left out of due to her lack of social media, and she spends the rest of her life resenting you and everything you embody. 

Finally, keeping with the theme of the up and coming all-school musical The Little Mermaid (please come see it) (Feb 25 at 7 & 26 at 2:30 or 7), you could say “What do me and Ariel have in common? We both want to be part of your world.”

This is bad because it’ll remind her of her deathly fear of mermaids ever since that fateful day in third grade. Thinking of mermaids will send her into a full-blown panic attack, and you’re stuck sitting there waiting for her to calm down. 

So instead of using some pun or joke, just go with a simple: “How are you?” Trust me, it’s safer for everyone involved.

Happy Valentine’s Day!